Out of Focus

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Winter is still going strong here and as I look at the trees in my yard, they look brown and drab. Yet, one day as I was taking pictures the sun was starting to set. As I zoomed in on the tree with the sun setting behind it, the brown branches were alive with golden light. It was beautiful! Yet, the photo is out of focus. Beautiful, but blurry.

Sometimes when I look at Nathan's future, I feel the same discouragement and depression that the dreariness of winter brings. Yet every now and then a glimmer of light shines through which stirs up something inside of me. The big picture is blurry, yet there is something beautiful in trusting God for His plan for Nathan.

However, it is such a mixture of the two that the lines get blurred and it's hard to know what to think or believe.

A few weeks ago Nathan, Dan & I had a meeting with the agency that would be helping Nathan beyond high school. If he qualified, some of the things they would do was to help him interview for jobs, fill out applications, provide a job coach to work alongside him, and things like that.

As we sat in the meeting, the very nice lady said, "He meets the criteria for our services." The first twist of my stomach. My child is "officially" deemed disabled by the State of NY.

A couple of days later we received the papers in the mail for Nathan to sign. On the form it says his work goal is "order filler" or "stock clerk". The second twist of my stomach. This is all they believe he is capable of doing with his life based on his disabilities.

Then as we were reading the rest of the form I looked at the line where Nathan is to sign. Underneath the signature line it says, "consumer signature." I have friends who work in group homes for developmentally disabled and New York calls them consumers. The third stomach twist - my child is considered a "consumer."

The problem with being on the autism spectrum is that there is such a wide range of ability. There are those who are severe all the way up to Asperger's which is very high functioning. Yet there are similar characteristics.

I almost think it would be easier if Nathan was severe. My expectations and hopes and dreams might not be so high. He is on the higher end of the spectrum and often you would never know there is anything wrong. Yet, things don't fire right in his brain. He can't stay focused on things for long or work without frequent direction. His math, reading and writing skills are so low that he would not be able to manage jobs that required those skills.

On the other hand, he turned around and passed his Firefighter I class this past week. So my hopes start to raise. I start to think, "Maybe..." It's a fine line for me to be realistic, yet optimistic. To push him, but not beyond his abilities.

A friend shared the following article with me and it fits my thoughts so well. As a parent, you have such high expectations for your children. However, sometimes God has a different plan. It's not bad or horrible, just different. Accepting the difference is what is key.

Welcome To Holland
by
Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

* * *

©1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley


Right now Nathan's future is out of focus, yet I know that God does have a plan for him and that one day He will bring that plan into clear, wonderful focus.

Comments

  1. Terri what a touching post this is, and what beautiful writing.
    God has a plan for Nathan, I'm sure, and if he is a stock clerk he will make the very best of it....everyone has a place in life and it is up to them to fill it to the best, which I'm sure Natahn will.

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  2. I love that letter. It's amazing. Thank you for your honesty; it's really what encourages others. Yours is a journey we all take though it often comes in a different form. We're all learning to hold our own dreams and expectations loosely so that we may practice preferring God's plans over our own!

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  3. Terri, I loved this post and as I was reading it I thought about the high hopes you have for your son. I don't think it makes any difference what kind of job he has as long as he is happy and does the job to the best of his ability. I am sure you will encourage him and support him any way you can. In turn, you need to look to others like "Emily" for your support.

    I admit I don't know what you are going through but my Bff has a disabled son and a grandson with Autism. We have a niece with Aspergers. Each one of them hold such a special place in my heart. They have all helped to make me a better person.

    Lots of prayers for you, Debbi

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  4. Thank you for sharing your heart, Terri. What a comfort to know that the destination of our dream may be different than we planned but the creator(God) does not change. He is the same yesterday, today and forever and will be with you as you take the trip.

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  5. Terri, the world may call Nathan a "consumer", but God calls him "my child", "loved", "precious" and "friend". And God gave Nathan wonderful parents who would know just how to love him and guide him.

    Good things are ahead Terri.

    Thank you for opening your heart and being a blessing to others.

    Love, Tina xx

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  6. Terri, God has a plan for Nathan, just as he does for each of our children. I don't think any child actually lives up to our pie-in-the-sky expectations of them. We all end up in Holland, to some degree, because each child is hand-fashioned by God and is like no one we ever imagined before. We can never know what to expect, but that's just part of the ride. Keep looking up!

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  7. God has a plan for Nathan and he will bring it to pass. If Nathan follows Gods plan for his life, his life will be fulfilling and meaningful. God sees the whole picture and thankfully, it is what God thinks and not what people think that constitutes real success.

    Nathan is blessed to have a mom like you. You have such a gift of expressing how you feel and what you are experiencing without sounding like you want someones pity.

    Your writing allows people to get an insight into your life and experience your pain and frustrations then you turn your anxiety into something positive and give others something to grab hold of. People need other people to be real and you surely are real.

    This was a beautiful post.

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