It's time for a confession. It's not always easy for me to admit these things but I do find that it can be very healing.
I struggle big time with feeling inadequate. Which makes me want to please people constantly. Which makes me feel like I have to do whatever anyone else wants me to do. Which makes it hard for me to trust my decisions. Which makes me very unsure of myself. Which makes me change my mind a lot.
WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's a load off! ;-)
This can be so debilitating at times. When I have to make a decision to start or stop or drop or add something, I agonize about it for days. I'll make the decision and then all it takes is someone suggesting I do the opposite or raising their eyebrow for me to start doubting that I did the right thing. I feel like a yo-yo a lot! I'll get very clear direction from the Lord sometimes and know that is where I need to go and yet, still feel in bondage to other people's thoughts and words.
It doesn't just affect me, but also my husband and children too. If I feel like someone is in disagreement with my husband, I'll start barraging him with questions about why he said or did something. My husband has a very clear call from God to challenge people in their thinking about social justice and their thoughts towards the poor and other issues. He is in prayer and God's word constantly and I agree with him and think like him. He doesn't preach on it constantly, but only as it comes up in whatever book of the Bible he is in. Yet, I'll still argue that he should or shouldn't say something because it will make people uncomfortable or "mad".
As we were talking (me haranguing him) last night, he looked at me and said, "Terri, your wedding vows were to me, and not the church/denomination/other people." "God wants you to be loyal to me and encourage me, not worry about what everyone else thinks." OUCH. He's right though. That brought me up short.
My allegiance is supposed to be to Christ and what He calls me to do. My allegiance is to my husband and children. I am proud of my husband and see God's hand on him. My children are wonderful kids and yet, I choose others over them all the time because I'm afraid. Afraid of their disapproval. Their disagreement. The fear they may not love or like me or my family.
I don't want to live in fear of this anymore. I don't want to spend my days worrying that someone may be mad or why did they say that or what did they mean by that comment.
I want to live in the freedom I have in Christ.
So, confession time is over. I shared this because perhaps some of you struggle with the same thing. Let's encourage and pray for one another that we can break free of this!