The Hard Work of Marriage

What happens when you take two people with different ideas of how things should be done, different personalities and leadership methods, and different upbringings and put them together in a marriage? A whole lot of hard work! Add to that the stress of being in ministry and it can mean that there are some tough days.

Dan and I have been married for almost 31 years and have walked through some rough paths and yet, I think our marriage is strong. Why is that? Well, we've learned some basic things in our 30 years together. We aren't perfect and there are days when I think, "Wow!" "We blew that today." But overall, I'm thankful for our marriage.

Here are some principles we've learned:

1. Don't bash your spouse in public. You shouldn't bash them anywhere, but it makes me cringe when I hear women or men tearing apart their spouse publicly. I've seen Facebook posts where the person is airing their grievances against their partner and to me that speaks volumes about them!

2. Realize you are on the same team. You aren't fighting against each other but you are working together for the same goals in life. So often spouses act like they are in a competition.

3. Do something fun together. Because Dan and I are in ministry which can be demanding and we don't have much money, we find this one more challenging. I'd love to be able to go on a real vacation some day where I don't have to worry about pinching pennies. But in the meantime we have found that we need to get away for a few hours from time to time and just do something fun.

4. Be loyal. I find this to be one of the most important ones. Your spouse needs to know that you are on their side. The problem at times with being a pastor's wife is that people think it's okay to criticize my husband's leadership style to me. They forget that he is my husband first and foremost. I would never think of criticizing someone's spouse to them and yet, most people have no problem doing that to the pastor's wife. I may not always agree with the way my husband does something but I will remain loyal to him no matter what. There is nothing more hurtful that thinking that your spouse has tossed you under the bus! So please be loyal to them.

5. Figure out their love language. How does your spouse show and receive love? If you don't know, figure it out ,and then do it. Dan shows his love through acts of service. He folds laundry, he does dishes, he does a million things around here that are his ways of showing me he loves me. Is he good at gift giving? No! But that's okay because I know without a doubt that I am loved because of the daily things he does. He receives love through words of affirmation and quality time. He loves spending time with his family and he needs to hear that he is valued. When you can figure out your spouse's love language you will be able to meet those needs for love they have.

6. It doesn't have to be done your way. This seems to be the biggest cause of arguments in marriage. Your spouse doesn't do things your way. If you have to be in control that is going to cause huge fireworks! I used to fuss about how long it took Dan to do dishes. He spends about 20-25 minutes just organizing things before he even gets the sink full of soapy water. Then he'll wash a dish or two, get distracted with other things, and then come back and do a few more dishes. He gets water all over the place. It used to drive me crazy and sometimes, still does. 

HOWEVER, I started changing the way I looked at this. Does it matter how long it takes him? No. Is my life ruined because he gets distracted? No. Is it the end of the world if there is water on the counter? Not at all. He is helping me out by doing them so who cares if it's not the way I would do it. Could I get them done in 1/4 of the time? Yes. But he wants to do them, he is helping me, and he is showing me love. So why would I complain? When we start changing our perspective, peace will reign.

There are a host of other things I could suggest, but these are the big six that I've found work in our marriage. As we've worked on our marriage it's become sweet. Marriage takes effort and if care isn't taken to make is a success it can easily fall apart so work hard at it. It's worth it!

P.S. I noticed that anyone leaving a comment via google+ will not show up. They are getting rid of google+ and have started it by not allowing comments left that way to be available here.