In the Solitude

When I started this blog 18 years ago (has it really been that long?), my goal was to share from my heart. I often share ways that God is speaking to me and I never wanted to come from a position of "I have all the answers so you should listen to me." The reality is that I'm figuring out life as I go along and I want to be transparent enough so that those reading could actually relate to what I write. 

Life is hard. There are not easy answers and if anyone tells you that, they are not being honest. Sometimes as I share it seems as if I come to one conclusion about something, but then change my mind at a later date. And that is because as God deals with me I may find that I was wrong about something or need to tweak it. So the problem with being transparent is that I have to come back and write about a different conclusion. 

It was interesting today as I was walking and contemplating about my life and some of what I wrote the other day about needing connection. And then I came across this quote this morning which caused me to further think about this whole idea of needing to be around people.

“The man who fears to be alone will never be anything but lonely, no matter how much he may surround himself with people. But the man who learns, in solitude and recollection, to be at peace with his own loneliness, and to prefer its reality to the illusion of merely natural companionship, comes to know the invisible companionship of God. Such a one is alone with God in all places, and he alone truly enjoys the companionship of other men, because he loves them in God in Whom their presence is not tiresome, and because of Whom his own love for them can never know satiety.” 

~ Thomas Merton

The one thing I've always felt in my life is that the Lord allows all of our circumstances and there is something He wants us to learn or take away from them. As I've shared before, I struggle with loneliness here. My parents and Dan's mom passed away since we moved here. I struggle with feeling as if I'm held at arm's length. I am getting older and facing changes in my role in the district (it's coming to an end very soon) and down the road in vocational ministry. I don't like change and there is a whole lot of it coming! It's a bit unsettling.

So this quote was a good reminder to learn to be okay being alone and being content with just me and the Lord. Because if I can be okay with that, then I'll enjoy my times of connection with people, but won't have to be dependent upon them for my happiness. If I'm content with the Lord then I don't need to find my worth in "doing" ministry because God is pleased with me regardless of what I do or don't do. In fact, He doesn't need me to do ministry. He only needs me to love Him and love others.

I'm getting there and have definitely started to learn with being content with solitude. I still have work to do in this area. Some of it is my personality, but a lot of it probably has to do with faulty thinking. 

As I walked by myself in the woods this morning and spent time contemplating and praying, I was thankful that God is continually teaching me to be okay with solitude and quiet.

And to be honest, it's in the solitude that I hear the most clearly from the Lord. And that's always a sweet spot to be.