Friday, January 30, 2009

Struggling

Isaiah 51: 12-16 (New Living Translation)-

"I, yes I, am the one who comforts you.
So why are you afraid of mere humans,
who wither like the grass and disappear?


Yet you have forgotten the Lord, your Creator,
the one who stretched out the sky like a canopy
and laid the foundations of the earth.

Will you remain in constant dread of human oppressors?
Will you continue to fear the anger of your enemies?
Where is their fury and anger now?
It is gone!
Soon all you captives will be released!
Imprisonment, starvation, and death will not be your fate!

For I am the Lord your God,
who stirs up the sea, causing its waves to roar.
My name is the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
And I have put my words in your mouth
and hidden you safely in my hand.

I stretched out[d] the sky like a canopy
and laid the foundations of the earth.
I am the one who says to Israel,
‘You are my people!’"


I've been really wrestling with some things in my life lately and thought I would talk about it a bit this morning. I usually try to keep this blog fairly light with cooking, crafting, and family things but every now and then I get in a reflective mood and it helps me to get it down on paper (or screen in this case).

These verses kind of leaped out at me this morning and it's something I've been wrestling with lately. I really recognize the fact that I live in fear of other people. I'm not afraid of them in the sense of being shy or that they will physically hurt me, but I'm afraid of their disapproval.

It truly feels like bondage sometimes and of course, I'm in the worst position as a pastor's wife to have this be my struggle! LOL Little things will get my stomach churning and I've been anxious all week. The reason? Well, after being the lead teacher in children's church for 12 straight weeks, I decided I need a break once in a while and am planning on having the children sit in the morning service on communion Sundays which is the first Sunday of the month in our church.

My reason for this is this way I can participate in communion and those children who have made a decision to follow Christ can partake of it also. This will allow the children to learn to sit with their parents quietly (hopefully) and families can worship together.

However, ever since I made this decision and have planned on announcing it this Sunday, I've been anxious of what people will say. I'm afraid that the children won't act properly in church and then I'll get blamed. I'm worried about those kids who really enjoy children's church. I worry that people will think I'm being selfish.

Do you see how my thoughts and worries can take me right down this long dark path!!! Yes, I have been reading over and over, "Take every thought captive!" but it's still my tendency. Discernment is one of my spiritual gifts and it's weird how I can pick up others moods and thoughts that even others can't. However, this gift is also a curse! I can usually get a sense almost immediately of when someone is upset about something when Dan absolutely does not get the same read. And 9 times out of 10 I was dead on. However, the problem with this spiritual gift is that I feel like I'm consumed with making everyone happy.

So, I've been dealing with and wrestling with God over this week. I'm not sure how to break it but I'm trying! I know I need to remember that God does not want me to live in fear of other's feelings and preferences but it is something I'm struggling with.

I realize that not all of you struggle with this and I'm being very transparent, but I find it helps me to be open about my struggles. Of course, the fear that you will think less of me will probably give me something more to worry about! LOL!