When Your Husband Doesn't Measure Up
I've been debating whether I should post this or not but I think it needs to be said! I recently saw the movie, Courageous and enjoyed it. However, as I watched it this unsettled feeling came over me. While it was a good movie and a good message about husbands stepping up and being the men God called them to be, I thought, "What about those women who have husbands that don't act like this?"
I'm not talking about husbands who are hanging out in bars at night or having affairs or are negligent fathers. I'm talking about Christian men who are good and decent husbands and fathers, but are more laid back and passive. I can see the danger of women holding the men in a movie like this as the standard their husbands need to achieve. It is so easy to watch this movie and start feeling dissatisfied with your man. He may not be measuring up to the ideal in your mind.
You may start asking yourself, "Why doesn't my husband lead family devotions?" "Why doesn't he stand up to my father/mother/sister/brother/etc. and defend me?" "If he were really following the Lord, he would pray with me every night." "If he were only like Jane's husband, then we'd have a good marriage."
I can tell you right now that my husband does not have an interest in watching this movie. I also know that if I suggested some sort of ceremony like they did in the movie where he stands in front of everyone, taking a vow to be a better husband and father, it would not go over well! He also is a peace keeping, non-confrontational man so I don't think I'd ever see him getting up in someone's face who was bothering me. Does that make him an ungodly husband and father? Not at all!
He is a great husband and loves me with all his heart. He is a wonderful father to his children. He is an example to his sons and daughter. He is faithful. He is passionate about following God. He is wise and kind and responsible. BUT, he does not lead with the stereotypical demeanor that many Christian women equate with being a strong leader. In fact, many women might think my husband is weak or passive or too easy going.
But that is the way God made him. God is using him for the family that was given to Dan. He is leading his family with the personality and qualities that were given to him. And I married him, knowing those qualities. I chose him knowing that he was a peace loving, easy going, laid back type of guy. So why in the world would I want him to be different?
Be careful ladies! Don't let discontentment start to work it's way in you. Don't start measuring your husband against a fictitious character or another woman's husband. Be content with the husband you have. Let him be the man that God made him to be.
Start praying for your husband. Pray that God would help you love your husband AS HE IS! If you do this and don't constantly pick him apart, you may find he measures up exactly to the type of man you want!
I'm not talking about husbands who are hanging out in bars at night or having affairs or are negligent fathers. I'm talking about Christian men who are good and decent husbands and fathers, but are more laid back and passive. I can see the danger of women holding the men in a movie like this as the standard their husbands need to achieve. It is so easy to watch this movie and start feeling dissatisfied with your man. He may not be measuring up to the ideal in your mind.
You may start asking yourself, "Why doesn't my husband lead family devotions?" "Why doesn't he stand up to my father/mother/sister/brother/etc. and defend me?" "If he were really following the Lord, he would pray with me every night." "If he were only like Jane's husband, then we'd have a good marriage."
I can tell you right now that my husband does not have an interest in watching this movie. I also know that if I suggested some sort of ceremony like they did in the movie where he stands in front of everyone, taking a vow to be a better husband and father, it would not go over well! He also is a peace keeping, non-confrontational man so I don't think I'd ever see him getting up in someone's face who was bothering me. Does that make him an ungodly husband and father? Not at all!
He is a great husband and loves me with all his heart. He is a wonderful father to his children. He is an example to his sons and daughter. He is faithful. He is passionate about following God. He is wise and kind and responsible. BUT, he does not lead with the stereotypical demeanor that many Christian women equate with being a strong leader. In fact, many women might think my husband is weak or passive or too easy going.
But that is the way God made him. God is using him for the family that was given to Dan. He is leading his family with the personality and qualities that were given to him. And I married him, knowing those qualities. I chose him knowing that he was a peace loving, easy going, laid back type of guy. So why in the world would I want him to be different?
Be careful ladies! Don't let discontentment start to work it's way in you. Don't start measuring your husband against a fictitious character or another woman's husband. Be content with the husband you have. Let him be the man that God made him to be.
Start praying for your husband. Pray that God would help you love your husband AS HE IS! If you do this and don't constantly pick him apart, you may find he measures up exactly to the type of man you want!
Amen, and Amen!!!!! Great post, Terri!!
ReplyDeleteBrian and I went to see that movie and struggled with some pieces of it, including what you mention here. I came away from it thankful for the man that I married, and determined to pray for him and support him as he becomes who God made/is making him to be.
ReplyDeleteI Agree 100%. Great leadership there, Terri! I also believe that none of us operates in a vacuum. We can not be the wife or husband that we are without our spouse to love and support us and most of all pray for us.
ReplyDeleteAmen, dear!! Great minds!!
ReplyDeleteGood stuff!
ReplyDeleteTerri, I loved the movie. BUT it is just a movie and not real life. There were some really good teaching points in the movie. Javier was praying earnestly and desperately for job and God answered his prayers. Javier was a man on integrity and didn't compromise himself in order to get a promotion with more pay. The dad should have danced with his daughter instead of being afraid of what other people would think. He did what was right when his friend was doing the wrong thing. The dad with the teen-age daughter was a parent who really cared about her. I really was measuring myself up to the wives in the movie....they loved and respected their husbands so much.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever read the book "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian? I bought it but never got around to reading it. My friends really liked this book.
Love you, Debbi
Debbi, yes I have read that book and it was very good.
DeleteI haven't seen the movie, but this is exactly the reason I stopped reading Christian romance novels years ago. It's easy to look at those perfect, Godly men and think all sorts of bad things about your own husband not measuring up. I'm still not as supportive as I should be, but it has really helped not having those over-the-top examples to compare him to! I've become much more appreciative of my husband for the man he is. Great post! - Robin
ReplyDeleteThis is an excellent post! I've thought this for a while, but you put it in great words!
ReplyDeleteI have not seen the whole movie. My husband and came upon the last 15 min. when we went to pick up our daughter from a youth activity. We were both moved by what we saw. I know exactly what you are saying here though. There is always that danger with this kind of thing.
ReplyDeleteOne of your other commenters mentioned THe Power Of The Praying Wife. I whole heartedly give my AMEN. God bless Stormie and her biblical teaching! Prayer is the single most best thing you can do. I have seen God work through my prayers for my husband.
I have not seen this film [not sure if it available in the UK yet] but would agree with your comments - it is WRONG for a wife to measure her husband by a fictional standard. It's also wrong for her to say "If only you were a good Christian like Pastor Bob" I have actually heard that said, and I am MARRIED to that Pastor!!
ReplyDeleteWe are a team in marriage. Yes we should be praying together- but if you cannot pray WITH him, you should definitely be praying FOR him.
and we should also be praying for the marriage sof our friends too.
thank you for your honesty in this post
blessings xx
I read your post and think that everything you said was very good advice to your readers. I also read your readers comments and see that a lot of them agreed with you in your opinion of the movie.
ReplyDeleteAs for myself, I loved the movie and didn't take away from it the points that you were making even though those points are valid ones.
I just viewed it from the perspective that husbands need to be more actively envolved with their spouses and children and be the leaders that God intented. That does not mean that they have to be macho even though the characters in the movie were pertrayed that way. After all, they were policemen and I think that is how most policemen are. Very few men are policemen and so I thought the point of the movie was that every man should be a godly man and be the leader of their family. Even a passive man can be a good leader, if he leads his family in his own way. The object being that the family love and serve God.
And then in the movie was the character issue which was pointed out by one of your readers. I think that this point was stressed thoughout the movie that Christians should be people of character...choosing to do the right thing. I personally didn't see anything in the movie that said that a man has to be macho even though the characters might have displayed that.
I guess in this case, we just came away with a different viewpoint on what the movie was trying to say. But as I previously said, I agree with every point that you brought out and I think Dan is a wonderful father, husband, pastor and Godly man. My husband is a more passive type of person too and He is a Godly man. I wouldn't trade him for anything. So in the end, I guess we are in agreement on all points except in the interpretation of this movie.
Hi Mom,
DeleteI'm not bashing the movie or the message. Like I said in my original post I liked it. But the reason I posted about it is because many of the *women* who watch it will start comparing their husbands. They are out there because I talk to them on a regular basis.
My point was love the husband you have with the personality he has! Don't try and change him.
Anyway, I wanted to clarify. I didn't say anything about the viewpoint of the producers of the movie were trying to get across. My point was to women who have a difficult time accepting their husband.
Mom, I deleted your p.s. by mistake but I'm cutting and pasting it here.
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PS: I have one more thought that is in my opinion of the purpose of the movie "Courageous" and that is that we live in a world where too many Dads have walked away from their families and children are being raised in one parent homes. A lot of children are latch key kids abandoned to look out for themselves which can lead to trouble since they look for approval from their peers rather than from God or parents.
I think the purpose of the movie was to show Dads how important a role they play in the upbringing of their children and the impact that they have. It was meant to be an encouragement to fathers to be the men God called them to be by being there for their children and setting the Godly example for their children. Men do not realize what they are missing and what they are robbing from their children. That has nothing to do with being a Mr. Tough Guy but being a loving, nurturing, godly parent who is there when their child needs them and who takes an interest in instilling in their child a sense of self-worth. This is just my opinion for what it is worth.
Love Mom
Dont forget his sense of humor :)
ReplyDeleteHi Terri, I haven't seen the movie yet. But, I agree with your post. There are soooo many ways for a man to love his family and his God. They can't do them all. Each one has to do what they are led to do. The movie might inspire some men to do better, but like someone else said, Its just a movie.
ReplyDeleteHi Terri, I haven't seen the movie yet. But, I agree with your post. There are soooo many ways for a man to love his family and his God. They can't do them all. Each one has to do what they are led to do. The movie might inspire some men to do better, but like someone else said, Its just a movie.
ReplyDeleteExcellent post, Terri, and a very good reminder for all of us wives. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI told my husband that the pastor at the church that I was attending came at me in sexual manner (i also worked there). And he didnt even say anything to him. I didnt want him to go and be stupid about it, I would have liked if he said something. I have left that church, he still attends there. He constantly tells me that our relationship has changed. I love my husband I am just hurt, please help?
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous, I'm sorry that happened to you, especially by a trusted person. And I understand why you would feel hurt by your husband. Without knowing all the ins and outs, I can't really offer counsel. My suggestion would be to talk to your husband about your feelings. If he won't listen, then I would also try and find a professional counselor and speak to them about this. I will pray for you!
DeleteThanks for replying back. My Husband says that he dont want to go to counseling, its offered free through the military. I just dont care anymore. Its over and done! Thank you for praying. I receive it.
DeleteHoney, I'm still going to pray for your marriage! Don't give up and let the devil have his way! He would love nothing more than to see your marriage destroyed. If your husband won't go to counseling, than you go to talk through these things. Just don't give up! Keep praying. God can do absolutely anything!
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