Thursday, October 25, 2012

Forced Inactivity

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I'm not sure what is happening in my life this past year but it looks like the Lord is forcing me into a period of inactivity and reflection.  

I am usually pretty overextended and though it can be stressful, I like it.  But I have been feeling a bit unsettled for quite a few months.  Like I should just stay quiet.  But to be honest, I don't know how.  To me inactivity feels like laziness.  Not moving from thing to thing seems like stagnation.

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Yet, in this case, too many things have happened in a row that makes me think the Lord is behind all of this.

 ► I planned on starting a twice a week preschool enrichment program through the church.  I made flyers, advertised everywhere, and scheduled two separate open houses.  One student showed up!

► This summer I tutored a little girl and her mom asked if I would be willing to get her and her brother off the bus each day during the school year, help with homework, and cook dinner.  I had major second thoughts about that one and turned it down.  It ended up being the right choice because both boys are using the cars during the time I would have needed it.

► I decided to go ahead and do the markets as I could on Sunday afternoons.  Since I made that decision, every single market day there has either been something going on at the church or I've been sick.

► I was not going to do 3D Girls this year and then changed my mind because I felt guilty.  I was dreading it so much and we ended up only having about 3-4 girls registered and I lost one of my helpers this year, so I ended up sticking with my original decision.

► We planned on having Tuesdays as a day of prayer at the church where people could stop by throughout the day to pray as they wanted.  This required me to go over to the building at 6:30 a.m.and make coffee.  I also was putting together prayer sheets via email.  1 person showed up during the few weeks we had it open.  The board decided that with the gas prices and distance people have to travel that it wasn't viable.

► I was asked if I would like to make bread and baked goods for the local gun club.  I met with the chef and we left it that he was going to use me on a regular basis.  That was a month ago and he's never called since.

► I opened my Etsy shop with visions of many sales.  I've had not one sale on my Etsy shop in 3 months.  In fact, it's costing me to keep it open since I have to pay for the listings.

So, given all these non-happenings as well as this feeling deep in my gut, I think it's time to spend much time...

Reflecting

Praying

Meditating

Seeking out God

What does He want me to do?  What does He want to show me?  How does He want me to spend my time?

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It's hard for someone who thrives on activity to sit still and listen.  It's hard to pull back from things when I've been "do-it-all" Terri for ten years and our church is used to that.  The funny thing is that not one person in our congregation has said, "Terri, we expect you to do xyz!"  Yet, I do it to myself.

I did email our worship leader today to let him know I would be stepping off the worship team.  I enjoy it, but it's not crucial for me to be on the team.  My time could be better spent listening to God and being available to people who need an ear.  It would be better spent in prayer.  

So while I'm not thrilled with the forced inactivity, I'm not totally unhappy either.  For the entire ten years that we've been here, I've never felt such a strong feeling of being tired and needing a rest.  I've reached the conclusion that it's what I need to do.

Slow down.  Rest.  Wait.  Listen.