Friday, October 5, 2012

Reining it In

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I have a confession....

I operate out of guilt and can't say no!

If I'm not doing something, I feel guilty.  If I sit and read a book, I feel that way.  If I say no to something, I feel that way.  If I'm not busy every single second, of every single day, I feel guilty.

There always is this underlying feeling that somehow I'm responsible for making or breaking our church.  I always have this feeling that somehow someone will say or think that I'm not doing enough, or that Dan is not doing enough. Which logically I know is stupid! 

Dan is working a full-time job on top of pastoring.  He has a family that he is responsible for as well.  No one in our church has ever said that.  I don't think anyone has ever thought that.  Yet, I feel it.  I feel this weighty sense of responsibility for the entire church.

Which is silly.  Because I believe the church is a BODY of believers, EACH responsible for contributing and for growing the church.  It's not all up to the pastor and his wife.  So I know all this in my head, but still have this horrible sense of duty.  All it takes is someone raising an eyebrow and asking a question for me to think that there must be some reason for the question.  They must think I'm doing something wrong.

I do enjoy being busy but I do know when I've overdone it, even for me.  When I have a feeling of dread about doing something, I know it's too much.  When I feel irritated and grouchy, I've taken on more than I can handle.  When I'm weepy, the activity is pushing me over the top.

And my husband tells me all the time that I need to do less and unfortunately, I listen to what he has to say and then push ahead anyway.  Which I always, always regret.

The things I have on my plate right now are - homeschooling Emily and getting her prepared for high school (which I'm enjoying but takes up a lot of my day), church secretary, children's church coordinator/teacher (I'm the only one who does children's church so I teach pretty much every week there are children), lead a ladies book  study, am on the worship team, and organize most of the outreach events in our church.  

That doesn't include keeping my home, preparing meals, visiting people with Dan, and a host of other things.  Now that I've typed that all out, I'm exhausted just reading it!   Then on top of all this, I recently got the results of a blood test back and I'm pre-diabetic, which means I'm supposed to be working on my diet and exercise.  But I'm so busy that I haven't at all.  I barely can get the things on my list done each day, let alone think about my health.

One of the things I had decided not to do this year was 3D Girls, the program I've run for a few years.  However, someone asked about it and I immediately felt guilty and changed my mind at the last second.  We are supposed to start on October 19th.  But I feel dread.  I feel anxious.  I feel tired just thinking about it.  There are only about 3-4 girls signed up.  After seeing me stressed out about it, Dan suggested I drop it.   Of course, I went back and forth with him about how people will be angry with me, etc.  And I feel embarrassed that I'm changing my mind.

But this time I listened.  And I felt the burden lift.  I feel relief.  I feel peace settling back in.

Which brings me to the point of this post. 

I need to listen to my husband more and rein myself in!