Down the Rabbit Hole

The story of Alice in Wonderland is about a girl who chases a rabbit and falls down a rabbit hole into a strange and wonderful new world. I've always liked the story even though it's a bit bizarre at times.

My life is feeling a bit like Alice's lately. It seems as if I've fallen down a rabbit hole into a surreal time and I can't get out of it. Unlike Alice who saw it as an adventure, I'm not enjoying this at all. And I'm feeling selfish.

Selfish because I don't want this reality. I don't want to be here missing my daughter's move into her very first apartment. Missing news from my middle son because every time he calls I'm in the middle of talking to a nurse or caring for someone else. I'm sad that I'm missing out on events with our new church family because I'm 12 hours away. I don't like the possibility that I may have to miss Thanksgiving with my children and husband. I feel selfish because I want my life back.

Here I sit at 2:45 a.m. writing because I can't get back to sleep and no matter how I try my mind won't shut off. I went home on Monday for what was supposed to be a week, but ended up coming back 2 days later. The deterioration in my mother has been astounding.

She went from a strong willed, opinionated woman to someone who is quickly losing her ability to concentrate for more than a few moments at a time. Her face is becoming sunken in and skeletal. She hasn't eaten in 2 weeks and anything she tries to drink comes back up. They have decided at this point they are not going to do the feedings through the tube into her intestines because she couldn't tolerate even the smallest bit.

We've been praying that the Lord would take my mother because we don't want her to suffer. She's in pain. She can't keep anything down. She is starting to slip away.

And yet, I don't want her to go. I want my mama back the way she was - exasperating, supportive, irritating at times, and loving us. I want her to give me a hug and tell me it'll be okay.

And as I've been praying I've been asking God to encourage her heart and when He sees her to give her a giant sized hug and tell her, "Well done, good and faithful daughter." "You have served me well."

Last night she woke up panicked that people would break into the house and do her harm. We talked to her and reassured her that all was well. We sang hymns to her and then played them for a while on the computer. She actually woke up from a sleep for a second humming one of them before she fell back to sleep.

I'm working on keeping my selfish desires at bay by caring for my mom and stepdad. I'm praying that God would bolster both myself and my sister with His strength and His wisdom. 

Just as Alice eventually woke up from what was a dream, I know I'll wake from this nightmare. But in the meantime, I'm pressing on one day at a time, resting in the knowledge that God will see me through.