The Unchosen Road

Tension grips the air at times. At other times, love washes over us. There are times of laughing so hard one can barely breathe and times of crying so hard that one can barely breathe. Times of memories. Times of angry words. Times of asking for forgiveness.

And it starts all over again.

I feel like I fell into a black hole and I can't get out of it. I came down to take my mom to an appointment and this is where we landed. I know my sister feels the same way. Medical jargon is being thrown at us left and right. Medicines and feeding tubes and syringes.

There are moments when hurt feelings ensue and other times when great memories are poured over. I'm meeting my stepdad's side of the family for the first time and we have been crying and laughing and hugging.

My sister and I have been in ministry long enough to know that all of this is normal. We've seen other families go through it and our time has come. But it's a hard road to be walking down.

A precious moment came last night when we brought my mother home from the hospital and there was a time before the hospice nurse arrived where she was able to sit with my stepdad with all of us present and let him know her diagnosis. She wanted to be the one to tell him and she hadn't seen him since Monday morning. The hospital would only allow one of us in to visit and since my sister and I needed information we were the ones to go. 

Last night surrounded by his family, Mom told him. There were many tears and mom was able to let him know how much he meant to her and then tell his children how much they were like her own children.

I don't know what the future days hold. I am returning home for a week on Monday and then will be back to relieve my sister so she can go home to do some things there. This is going to be our new normal for the unforeseeable future. It's hard.

But I am thankful for the privilege of being here and participating in the end of life care of my mom. Not many have that opportunity. So while it's difficult, I am continuing to trust in the One who is my daily strength. 

Thank you for all your kind comments. I can't respond to each one at the moment but I do read them and appreciate them. They help.