Torn in Two Directions

I'm up and typing this at 2 in the morning because once again, I cannot sleep. Some of that is because I'm feeling torn. A week ago we thought my mother would only have a day or two more. She hasn't had anything to eat in 3 weeks nor anything to drink in 7 days. And yet, she is still hanging in there. 

She is being given round the clock pain medications and most of the time now she is unresponsive, except when becoming agitated with pain. We are tired and worn out. Most nights we are only getting a few hours of sleep.

Writing is therapeutic for me and usually once I get things off my chest, I can get to sleep so here I sit.

My sister and I have divided the work load with some overlap. She is so much better at the gentle nursing side of things and has done a lot of the care of mom. I'm more task oriented and so, have been giving some of the medications, keeping our stepdad entertained, preparing some of the meals, and doing some cleaning.

There is a giant-sized task ahead of us in going through a crammed house and sorting and getting rid of things. Some of that has started already and the past 2 days my stepdad's sons have been here, along with my husband and brother-in-law and they have a lot of the garage cleaned out. And yet, it's going to take a month if not more to tackle everything.

I'm torn because last night we made the decision that I would go home for Thanksgiving. My children don't have their own families or their own plans. My daughter had already planned on a guest for Thanksgiving and he rearranged his work schedule for this. Nathan is home by himself and anxious. I got news yesterday that my other son may have Covid-19 and awaiting test results. If he does, he won't be home, but I could at least check on him if need be. With an anxiety disorder, he is struggling.

But it's a heart-wrenching, guilt producing decision. If I go home, I'm going to feel horrible that I'm not back here helping. If I stay, I'm going to feel the same way about not being their for my immediate family. But I think for my own mental health I need to go for this week. I will be back down next weekend for as long as I'm needed.

My sister and brother-in-law have assured me it's okay to go. I have prayed for my mother these many days, read the Bible to her, affirmed her, said goodbye. But I feel like I will be forever known as the daughter who didn't stay by her mother's side until the end. And of course, my sister assures me that is not the case.

It may be that my mother will hang in there for another week and all this will be feeling torn for nothing, but times are tough right now and so I'm clinging to the Lord. I definitely need his grace and mercy to get through this.