Identity Crisis
I'm having a bit of an identity crisis too. I'm going to be transparent here today because I feel like there are many people just like me out there that may benefit from this post.
I turned 60 back in January and I'm finding that I need to readjust my approach to ministry. I am a volunteer in all of the ministries I have, and yet, I often work at them like I'm a full-time paid employee. So that means I say "No," to the things I would like to do that bring me joy and make me happy because I have to do ministry.
Instead of picking one or two or three things to do, I plunge in, and the next thing I know I am in deep water, trying to keep my head above water. I tend to say, "I'm wired this way." "I enjoy being busy." "This is how God created me." And all of this is true, but I'm recognizing that I need to change something.
But I don't like that. I balk against change and I definitely don't like feeling like I'm being pushed aside. However, my husband reminds me frequently that I'm not being pushed "out" but rather, I'm taking on a different role. Our "job" here is to encourage and empower others to do ministry. We just had a conversation where he suggested that it would be much more beneficial for me as a ministry leader in the church to train others rather than trying to do it all myself. If we continue to do everything ourselves rather than training and encouraging others, the church will not grow.
And he also reminds me that I don't have to do anything. I know that logically, but I've struggled with this for years. And it's not the expectations of others, but my own internal voice that causes me to do this. My mother was the same way so it's probably a learned behavior. But boy, is it a difficult behavior to change.
Don't get me wrong, duty and faithfulness are wonderful qualities, but when I cannot stop because I feel guilty when I do, there is a problem. Always feeling like I'm going to disappoint someone is not a good motive for doing it. So many times people will approach me with an "idea", but they don't want to do it. So what happens is that I feel like I have to be the one to take it on.
It's a bad cycle to be in. Finding balance is something I struggle with and perhaps you do too. And yet, balance is necessary. Balance is necessary for your mental, physical and spiritual health.
This seems to be the thing God is wanting me to work on for this season. I'll probably fail at times, but I truly am working at seeing what I can wean out, pass on, and if no one else wants to take it then just let it go. I am reminding myself that I do not have to fill every need there is out there. It's okay to say, "No," or "Not at this time."
I am reminding myself that my identity is in Christ and not in what I do. If we put our identity in the things we do or the roles we play, when those things are no longer there we will be at a loss. However, if we are remembering that our identity is in Christ, it's much easier to let go.
I'm not sure if you will benefit from this reminder as well. If so, then know that I am working on the same thing!
Such a beautifully clear description of so many of us, Terri. I advise you to read your own words often to yourself - they contain truth! My upcoming birthday I will be fifteen years your senior and I am so glad God ‘reined in’ those volunteer tendencies twenty years ago. (My husband used to tease me that he was going to secure my arms to my body to keep me from raising my hand when no one else would to do/fill something.).
ReplyDeleteAbout that time my husband retired and I purposed, with God’s prompting, to limit ministries to those we could do together and, for us, it has been a huge blessing. We are still very involved with our church (lead a seniors’ life-group, teach the toddler class 2x/month, host a monthly mens’ breakfast, help with benevolence, etc) but each ministry enriches us as a couple as well as giving testimony to marital teamwork.
I only share my story to underscore your desire to do that to which God is calling you, rather than answering ‘the call of the urgent’. I know that pastors’ wives can so easily be pulled into any and all ministries and that it takes fortitude and clarity to resist!
Thank you again for sharing your journey. May you find JOY this week!
Thank you for sharing that, Conni. It's definitely a struggle, especially for those of us who are wired for activity. I'm recognizing the need to be selective in what I choose to do and let the rest go.
DeleteI imagine that you are the sort of person who is always there to take up the slack Terri. Let others do it now! Although I am not in ministry, my life circles round the needs of my husband, and even with Carers I like to be hands on. Now and then they tell me to 'go and sit down!'
ReplyDeleteBarbara, I actually laughed out loud at that last part about "go and sit down!" The struggle to be hands off is a challenge!
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