When You are Wallowing in the Muck

At 3:00 a.m. I woke up with a very distinct and forgotten memory of sitting slumped in the back seat of a car as a child. My dad was driving after having spent the day drinking. He was depositing us back home to our mother and had ended a torrent of words in tears. My father wasn't an angry drunk, he just wallowed in self-pity. 

He sobbed out the words, "Nobody loves me, not even you kids." What is a ten year old supposed to do with those words? The adult in my life was telling me that I was responsible for the angst he was going through.

I did what any normal ten-year-old would do who had spent most of her life listening to these type of things. I took on a responsibility that I should never had been burdened with. My mission in life was to make sure that no one around me was ever upset, ever angry and ever stressed. And if they were, it was sure to be my responsibility.

That's a heavy load for a child to carry. It's a heavy load for an adult to carry.

And yet, sometimes I catch myself wallowing in the same pool of self-pity that my dad did. I ask the questions, "Why am I not loved?" "Why do I feel so isolated and alone?" and sometimes, "Doesn't God even love me?" It angers me when I fall into that cesspool and muck and yet, at times, I'm powerless to stop the endless thoughts that spiral me in that direction.

The reality is that the very father who felt unloved turned around and rejected us. He who felt the world was against him damaged my own sense of security and safety instead of creating a different pattern for his own family.

My wake up memory this morning was a very vivid picture of the pattern I was taught. And a reminder that breaking family chains of sin is an ongoing process. 

But there is hope. I am able to recognize the cycle. I want to change it. I have made huge headway on this in my life. And I have the victory in Christ. I'm powerless to change anything in my own power. I can't will myself to stop those thoughts. I can't just get over it. But with Christ’s help, I can overcome. 

My father was a victim of his own upbringing. He struggled with this until the day he died. My heart grieves that he never knew the healing touch of the Lord. But I am thankful that I have experienced the breaking of that chain. While I am triggered into that cycle of thought sometimes, I recognize it and with God's help, work to get out of the cycle. 

Maybe you have your own patterns and chains you want to break. Don't give up just because it's hard. God can help you do it. It is a matter of recognizing what they are, persistently creating new patterns of thought (practice makes perfect) and asking the Lord to remind you what He says about you. 

On this Monday, I am thankful for God-speaking dreams and a break in old patterns. 

I'm thankful this week for the following:

🧡 Getting out and hiking with my husband at the beginning of the week.

🧡 I'm feeling better after a few days of just feeling run down.

🧡 A husband who is a wonderful provider.

🧡 Getting a program pulled together that I'm responsible for on July 3rd. 

🧡 A fun bridal shower on Saturday. 

🧡 Blessing my husband for Father's Day.

🧡 A great Father's Day with Dan's parents. 

and finally....

🧡 Breaking the chains which is a hard and ongoing process.