The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

 

Since I started this blog in 2008, I have tried to encourage others as I share bits of my life. I've been fairly transparent because I don't have it altogether and yet, I do know God is working through the struggles I have. Perhaps, you find yourself in similar situations and you will find encouragement in my words. 

My posts are a mixture of all kinds of things. Today, I'm going to share the good, the bad and the ugly from yesterday. 

The Good

After months of waiting, we finally were able to meet with a financial broker to get our son's, services started and to implement what is in his life plan. 

For those who are new to this blog, our eldest is on the autism spectrum and has been approved for services through the state. He has been assigned a care coordinator, has a job coach and a life plan has been developed for him, along with input from him and my husband and I. But we couldn't do anything with it until we met with the financial broker who would come up with a budget for all of this. 

He has been on a waiting list and has been waiting about 9 months. Yesterday, we met with the gentleman and signed the papers to move forward. 

The Bad.

Our son left for work like he always does in the early afternoon and last night my husband got a phone call from him. He works full-time as a cleaner for the school system and has been really struggling and feels completely overwhelmed by it. When he gets like that he starts to shut down completely. And because he is anxious and overwhelmed, he has not been sleeping well at all. 

Nathan called while on his break time and Dan talked him through some strategies to get through the rest of his shift. This has happened multiple times in the past couple of months and it causes me to get knots in my stomach. I hate that he struggles so much. His care coordinator suggested that full-time might be more than he can handle. When he is stressed at work, that becomes his entire focus even when he is home. So he's not pleasant to be around when he's depressed, anxious and negative.

The Ugly.

Dan got off the phone and I had a complete and utter meltdown. The crux of the matter is that I'm frustrated. Our son, Nathan, doesn't wear his disability on the outside. He looks just like you and me and so, people cannot understand when he is unable to perform at the same level as others. 

His processing speed is very low and when feeling rushed and pressured, it slows even more. In the right environment, he thrives. In a wrong one, he falls apart. But sometimes, I forget that as well and get really frustrated with him.

Dan listened to me as I ranted (just being real and raw here)  about why Nathan couldn't just do the job. Then he said something that brought me up short, "Aren't you really mad at God because this is our life?" OUCH!

But he wasn't wrong. Our entire married life has been one of dealing with a child who struggles and it has been lonely. Lonely because not everyone understands, especially since our son doesn't wear his disability on the outside. When I have tried to express some of this, people look at me with a puzzled or blank expression on their face. Or I get the sense they think we are being over-dramatic or over-protective. 

We didn't have family who understood or helped when he was growing up. There were very few people I could leave him with and unfortunately, the few times we did leave him it turned out to be the wrong choice. We have not been able to do many of the things our friends are able to do. It's hard for us to even get away because he struggles if he is by himself so often it's either me going by myself to some conference or Dan going by himself.

My husband touched a nerve because if I'm honest, I am frustrated with my circumstances. I have all these wonderful plans of what I want to do and where I would like to see my life head, but this is my reality. Dan gently reminded me that God has given us this son and this is what our objective and goal should be. Nothing else.

It's not speaking engagements or leadership development or plans or church programs. Helping our son thrive and move forward needs to be my number one priority. And I forget that often or perhaps, if I'm honest, I want to carry on as if my life looks like everyone else's around me.

But it doesn't. And despite my meltdown last night, I know that God is with me as I walk this hard path. And He gives me the strength to pick myself back up, brush myself off and keep moving forward.

As I process through this, I thought I'd share a bit here today because I know there are others out there in similar situations who have dealt with the good, the bad and the ugly.

It's okay to cry and grieve. But then we get up and continue on. Because God is with us and God is with our children. And that thought as well as God's strength keeps us moving forward.