Ambitious

I experienced a bit of a let-down this past week and it took me a few days to pinpoint why I had such a disgruntled attitude. Most of it was because my expectations didn't meet reality. And that was disheartening to me.

The core issue is my ambitious spirit. I have very strict expectations and ambitions for my life and when I don't achieve what I set out to accomplish it is frustrating. When the results don't match my expectations it seems as if there is no purpose to any of the things I accomplish. If they aren't changing the world, then what's the point?

But God keeps reminding me that I don't need to change the world. I just need to change and grow. The most important ambition I need to have is to allow the Holy Spirit to work change within my heart. 

One of my goals this year was to connect more and at the top of the list was connect to the Lord. And I remind myself of that daily because my restless heart keeps wanting to DO something grand and big and yet, He wants me to just BE. Be still. Be present. Be alert for how He is working within me. 

Most of my ministry life has been a flurry of activity and busyness; all good things. But those good things have allowed me to ignore some of the core issues going on within me that have never really been dealt with. I can so clearly see how the Lord has brought me to this present location to work on those. And it's hard.

Hard because it's humbling. I'm 62 years old and feel like I should not be struggling the way I am. I'm a ministry leader and shouldn't still deal with insecurity and feelings of inadequacy. But there I go again; being ambitious even about my weaknesses. It's almost as if I think I can just will and work them out of me. If I just work hard enough at it, change will come. And that's not how change within happens at all.

Change takes place bit by bit through daily surrendering and allowing the Lord to work in His timing. My expectations didn't meet my reality this past week nor even the past few years. But it's okay. The Lord is changing my expectations. He is working within my heart to create the change He wants. 

More than likely I won't change the world, but allowing God to work within me will help me to be the woman He can wants me to be and perhaps, will use in some small way.