Used for His Glory

I spent the weekend on the mountaintop where I grew up. I spent time at a family funeral and then went on to spend the night with my sister.

I got up on Sunday morning and headed to a speaking engagement and then the 5 hours back home again. But something happened that I wasn't expecting. As I drove through three of the towns and right past four of the different houses I lived in while I was growing up, I felt grief rising up in me.

By the time I got past the fourth house, I had to pull over. I put my head down on the steering wheel and I just started sobbing. It was so unexpected and so uncontrollable. As unpleasant memories washed over me from my growing up years, the tears just kept coming. 

The reason for that is that the majority of my memories growing up were not of happy family times, but of fear and harshness and control. Without getting into all the details, there are very few good memories of my childhood and teenage years. 

The overwhelming thought that rose up as I cried was, "Why?" It feels so unfair to have gone through those hard things and to be honest, so pointless. I struggle on an almost daily basis to change patterns I saw modeled for me as I grew up and it's a daily grind to do so. 

As I composed myself and continued on my way those thoughts continued to plague me. I knew I had to get it together before I spoke in the morning service!

I got to my speaking engagement and as the worship service started, the Lord began to minister to me through the music. It seemed as if the lyrics to every single song met me where I was. By the time I got up to speak which was on living out our faith in an unbelieving world, I knew exactly how God had used those experiences I had growing up.

• They have shaped me into the woman I am today.
• They led me into the relationship with the Lord I have, and I have learned to rely on Him.
• They have given me resolve to do differently in my own parenting.
• They have given me a unique ability to understand and relate to those who have come out of equally difficult backgrounds.
• The Lord reached down and drew me to Himself.
• The Lord also changed the hearts of some of the adults in my life.
• Those experiences have given me a hope of how God can redeem people and to be able to share that with others.
• They have led me to truly appreciate my husband and how kind and patient he is as both husband and father.
• They keep me humble and from becoming puffed up with myself.
• They cause me to be grateful on a daily basis as to how far the Lord has brought me and how He is using me in my ministry for Him.

I had a rough childhood, but those experiences have shaped who I am today. While I still feel grief from time to time, I am thankful that God walks with us and pulls us up from the pit to change us from the inside out. 

The neat thing about all of this is that I ended up sharing a bit of that vulnerability as I spoke and God truly used it to minister to others. This was the first experience I had where people came to me in tears afterwards and asked for prayer. I was able to minister to them, just as God had ministered to me that morning.

I am being used for His glory and that brings me joy.