Monday, March 30, 2015
Coming Into the Light
Indecisive, inadequate, unsure, anxious and fearful. These words describe my feelings over the past year as I've adjusted to a new church, have started to develop new relationships while mourning the loss of previous relationships. I've felt like I've been in this strange twilight land and I don't belong anywhere. It's been frustrating to me because I usually embrace change and this has been so incredible hard on me. I hate that I struggle with these emotions and it's been an uphill battle to take captive these destructive thoughts.
However, I've noticed a change in myself over the past couple of months. I feel like I'm coming into the light and can finally see after a long time in darkness. I'm feeling more like my old self. I'm becoming more confident. I'm finding joy in the things I do. I'm less worried about what people think. I'm enjoying doing things with my style and not thinking that it has to be done a different way because that's the way the previous pastor's wife did it.
Unless you've lived it, you don't realize how difficult it can be to come into a new church as a pastoral family after the previous pastor was here for a long time. Especially when your personalities are totally different. We know and love the previous pastor and his wife. We went to school with them and Dan worked with the husband for a time in seminary. They are wonderful people and had a good ministry here. They are very gifted in many ways. In fact, I would love to have some of their gifts.
However, Dan & I are different. The way we do things is not the same. Our personalities are very different and God has given us different spiritual gifts. That has been an adjustment for many though most people have been very accepting and have embraced the change. For others it has been harder.
Which is why I always feel unsure. Often I feel like I am being compared to the previous pastor's wife and found lacking. I know most of it is in my own head. Satan loves to mess with me this way. "You are not really wanted." "You are not enough." "Why can't you be different?" "Why don't you just quit?"
However, God has been working in me. He is helping me to realize I cannot be anyone else but who He made me to be. I cannot do things the way someone else would. I don't have the same gifts as another. Nor does Dan. And that's not bad; it's just different. One is not better than another.
The Lord is helping me to realize that I have to be true to myself. God created me this way for a purpose and why would I, or anyone else for that matter, want to thwart that purpose?
I have grown to love the people here. I'm finding myself laughing a lot more. I'm less worried that if I do something it will be viewed with annoyance. When it is viewed with annoyance, I'm accepting that it not my issue. I'm learning the different personalities and I think most people are learning who I am and accept me.
We are in the midst of celebrating and remembering Christ's coming, death and resurrection. I've always taken a very active role in all of our churches during these special services. It's been wonderful to feel like I can do that again. I'm doing the things God has gifted me to do.
I'm so glad that I'm coming back into the light and it makes my heart sing!