When the Holidays aren't the Same Anymore
This year the holidays are different and it's a bit of an adjustment time for me. We spent Thanksgiving over the course of two days - the day before with just the boys and Dan's parents and then traveled on Thanksgiving Day to spend it with Emily, her boyfriend and his parents.
Today my daughter let me know that she wouldn't be coming here for Christmas Day. I honestly knew it was coming and handled it well. But this afternoon I have felt a bit out of sorts and I'm thankful that I'm in tune with my emotions enough to know why.
It's inevitable. Children grow up, get jobs, develop their own traditions and as they move into relationships have to make room for another family. But there is part of me that wants everything to stay the same.
But I've learned some things through the years and that is mostly because of mistakes.
1. Don't make them feel guilty. Growing up and moving on is natural. If you use guilt to try and manipulate them all that's going to do is drive a wedge between you and they will never want to come home. I want my kids to enjoy coming home so I work on not laying on the guilt.
2. Embrace the different. I'm thankful that both Dan and I have flexible personalities. I am accommodating and honestly don't mind being that way. Emily and her boyfriend are coming down here the week before and we are going to celebrate Christmas with them on a different day. I am thankful that my daughter has another set of parents who love her and include her in their holidays. That is a huge blessing and I don't worry when she is there. And the reality is the two of them are serious and why wouldn't she want to spend the holiday with him? lol
3. Learn new traditions with your spouse. Ultimately, when the children move out you are left with your spouse. If everything is centered around the kids you may find it's difficult to connect with your spouse when they aren't there. So you have to reconnect and find things you enjoy doing together. Dan and I are headed to see a Christmas performance of Celtic dance tomorrow night and I'm looking forward to it. We've tried to do something special each year with just us.
4. Allow space to grieve, but don't stay stuck in past traditions. I know so many people who cling to the past and can't seem to move forward because they are stuck. I do miss things we've done in the past, but I also enjoy new things and that keeps me resilient.
5. See who else you can include. There may be someone who is alone on the holidays and doesn’t have a family. Include them for dinner or to a get together at your home or take them out to eat. If you sit and dwell in self-pity you will miss an opportunity to bless someone else.
Yes, our holidays are different now that the kids are grown but I am thankful that I have learned the above lessons. I want to still enjoy this time of the year and having learned to do these things will help me to continue to have a wonderful holiday season!
This was very hard for me. Not having them all here for holidays was difficult. They have all been out of the house for over 20 yrs so I’m used to it now.
ReplyDeleteThe "firsts" are the most difficult, I believe. But it definitely is a strange new path to walk down as the children grow up.
DeleteBecause my father was a Pastor, he was always working on Christmas Day. Then within 3 years of marriage, my man was in the same position. And we lived 100 miles away. So we had family get-togethers at another time. When my girls grew up and married, I said "you must decide, if you are to be in your home, with in-laws or with us - but Dad's working, so remember we cannot come to you on 25th". Of course I would love to have everybody round me on The Day - but we are just grateful for our children and their families, and grateful they have homes and clothes and food, (and jobs to pay for them) Traditions are important - but everything "has a season" - and you will find a way to have a special day, even if you children are not beside you (they're still in your hearts) God bless you, dear friend ❤️🙏👍
ReplyDeleteWe are in the same boat here, Angela. This year would have been especially hard to focus on family anyway because we always have a Christmas eve service and then Christmas Day falls on a Sunday this year so we will have a service on that day. I'm adjusting to this new normal but not without a twinge or two. ;-)
DeleteOh, this is a tough one. My mom tries to be flexible but at 78 I feel guilty no matter what I do and am still torn between her wishes and my own family of teenagers. She clings to her Italian family traditions , cemented when the family was massive, and the holidays bring so much guilt for me. I vow not to do the same to my kids but they're still home so haven't had it put to the test yet.
ReplyDeleteIt is such a hard thing to navigate especially when other family members aren't as understanding and flexible. It's amazing how much our emotions can be tied to these holidays. I have had to really adjust my expectations the past couple of years as my children became adults. My two oldest are not in a relationship with anyone so continue to be here for the holidays. But I'm sure when they move on it's going to be an adjustment once again.
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